Link to part one - http://tiny.cc/6mb3ww
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May 12, 2013
From: Etsy Marketplace Integrity
This is (representative’s name) from Etsy’s Marketplace Integrity Team. Thank you for your interest in selling on Etsy.
Unfortunately, some of the items listed in…
The night before the exam:
20 minutes into studying:
A few hours into studying:
An hour before the exam:
A minute before the exam:
5 minutes into the exam:
Walking out of the exam:
When you get your grade back:
About seven years ago, all my friends my age got married. And about three years after that, they all started having babies, which set into motion the idea that eventually they’re gonna have to talk about sex to their kids. And that just freaks me out. I have cats—they were broken, but now they’re fixed—so I don’t have to worry about this. However, if I had the opportunity to suddenly be confronted by my son as a young man asking me for advice about sex… with girls… this is what I would say.
One: Buy condoms. Buy them and keep them with you at all times, and use them before you are asked to use them. And use them every time. The peace of mind you allow your partner will free her to be vulnerable with you, and that, my son, is exactly what sex is about. Condoms are sexy. In fact, call buying condoms foreplay. (Footnote: If you are too embarrassed to buy condoms, you are not ready to have sex.)
Two: Kissing is not merely foreplay. Spend entire evenings making out on the couch while fully clothed. Believe me, dry-humping rocks.
Three: Sex is not just about friction. It’s about emotion. Stop trying to find her clitoris and find her heart. Because then she’ll help you find her clitoris.
Four: If you really wanna know how to please a woman, ask her how she masturbates. Then do that. A lot. If she claims she doesn’t masturbate, offer to take her shopping for a vibrator so you can both learn the vocabulary of her body together.
Five: Don’t put anything in her butthole you wouldn’t want in your own. (Footnote: Try a pinky finger, it’s kinda awesome.)
Six: When you go down on her—and you will go down on her, and if you are my son, you will be amazing at it—tell her how good she tastes. Stop in the middle and kiss her deeply so she knows how good she tastes. Do the same when she goes down on you.
Seven: A simple Google search will yield 1,327 euphemisms for male masturbation, yet only 23 for female masturbation. If guys spent less time jacking off and more time jilling off, this world would be a happier place.
Eight: Everything you need to know about the importance of the clitoris is in the movie Star Wars. You are Luke Skywalker piloting your penis-shaped X-Wing Fighter deep inside her trench. Remember: seventy percent of all Death Stars cannot be blown up through penetration of the trench alone. It must be through focused contact with that little exhaust port at the top of the trench. Otherwise, any explosions you experience will be merely Hollywood special effects.
Nine: Just because you come doesn’t mean she has, so don’t you dare come before her. Focus completely on your partner. Don’t worry about gettin’ yours, you’re a guy. You always get yours. Your job is to make sure she’s gettin’ hers.
Ten: If sex with your partner lasts no longer than this poem, you are not making love. You are masturbating with her body instead of your hand. Shame on you. Go back to step one. You’ve got a lot of learning to do.
THE GOLDEN RULE OF TUMBLR
my god, we’re all Ross.
So in conclusion, we are all the men of Friends, combined.
Not just the men.
Phoebe is basically a walking night blogger when she’s got a guitar. Admit it.
In conclusion, we are the show Friends.
we all need this on our blogs
So much love for Friends. this totally made my night… Have to reblog :]
Hey y’all where’s gunther
im an atheist because i think that science is wonderful and reality itself is so mysterious and wonderful that there is no need to believe in a god
but if a philosophy and a belief system makes you appreciate life and makes you happy and you arent hurting anyone with it
then god damn no one should be a shit to you about it
How come you can only like a post once.
We’ve all seen the theories, repeated and twisted ad nauseum to fit nearly every children’s show. Angelica dreamed up the other Rugrats. Even the humans at Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends were imaginary. The events that took place in…
do you guys ever watch lesbian porn and just think “lol not with those nails”